Today is my 46th birthday. Today also marks another first in my life. This is my first birthday after losing my daughter, my hero and my best friend Stephaine. There have been other first for me that hurt and caused extra tears then every other day since she passed away. But this one hurts more than all of them combined. It started yesterday when I thought about all of the cards, pictures, paintings, arts and crafts Stephaine had made for me over the years. I knew when I woke up this morning there would be no birthday card made from scratch from her. As I have mentioned a million times she was one of the few people I have ever known that was filled with nothing but love. Even when she was in treatment for cancer she would make me paintings, drawings and crafts. All of them had the word love in it and pictures of hearts. Those same things would also appear in her home made Fathers day and Birthday cards.
She was also about laughing and having fun. I remember one night having her in tears doing a comedy bit about me making cards, instead of presents. I started with growing up sucks, because you now have to buy some overpriced card that somebody else made. I said if I handed a friend a card made with paper and crayolas they would ask me are you drunk or did you accidentally enroll in an online kindergarten class. Well thanks for the card. Guess I will put it by the beer can wind chime you made me for Christmas.
What made her so awesome was if I had made her a card for her birthday. She would have given me the same smile I got when we got her a cell phone. She always appreciated anything someone gave her or took the time to make for her. That’s what made her cards so special. They came from her heart and they were filled with her own words. As adults we stand in front of a card rack and look for something that has something on it we might say. Then we put our name on it and act like were thoughtful. When in reality were actually lazy and Hallmark knows it.
I have cried a lot today and probably nowhere close to being done. Everything above was intended to hopefully make you laugh. I have said for years that some of the funniest people have actually probably experienced some of the biggest heartaches. The humor is a shield, it protects them by using laughter to keep from crying.
I miss my little buddy more today then any day since April 11th. Your birthday is a day you want to celebrate with friends and family. Stephaine was both for me.
I’m not big on birthday candles being lit on a cake. But today I will do it. When I blow out the candles I will make a wish. That wish will be somewhere down the road I can see Stephaine again and say I made you this. I will know it’s really her when she looks at me with her eyes filled with love and says…Are you drunk.
I started to cry writing that last part. So I felt like ending this the same way I do with everything else on here. I do all this to honor our daughter. None of this is about me and it will always be about her. I wrote this in a way that really honors her. Filled with love and laughter. While I’m now 46 you will forever be 13. There needs to be a day that better treatment options are created so children can keep creating birthday cards from scratch. That will not happen until more is done to raise awareness for childhood cancer. Childhood cancer doesn’t stop. Raising awareness shouldn’t either. All kids deserve more than 4% funding for research and they deserve more than one month out of they year for awareness.
Until the day comes that I can see you again and give you that card. I made you something else from scratch. September365.com